A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
