Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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