Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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