So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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