You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
