Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
birth control should be required to get into college
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
