Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
