The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
