Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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