can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
