I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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