Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
