I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
