Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
