Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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