What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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