I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
