I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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