I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
