It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
