i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
