i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
