just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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