how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
