I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Are we still banned from the library?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
