I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
