Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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