I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
