he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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