How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
