My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
