Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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