before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
