Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
