I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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