It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
