Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
