walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
