well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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