He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
