I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
