I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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