Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
