also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Text me some of your sweat
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
