so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
