"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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