I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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