for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
