Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
