Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
