He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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