Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
