Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
