My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
